My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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