Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
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