the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
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