i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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