Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
