3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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