I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
