He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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