I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
We were destined to go to rehab together
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
