apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
