i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Randomize
