I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
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