you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
