I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
You can't special order awesome
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Randomize
