Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I met the friendliest cop last night
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
