Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Randomize
