apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
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