First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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