It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Green mimosas i think yes
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
