happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
