I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
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