I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
