Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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