I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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