i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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