chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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