I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
