I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
