Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Randomize
