he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Randomize
