She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
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