So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
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