happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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