Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
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