I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
