So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Randomize
