just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Randomize
