I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Where are you?
In a non slutty way
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
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