Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
