y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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