Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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