The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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