I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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