You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
