Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Randomize
