Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
