I smell stomach acid.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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