ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Randomize
