My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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