I can't watch pbs sober anymore
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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