My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I think my moral compass just broke
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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