I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize
