it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
