Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
