Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
