he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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