I got chris browned last night
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
