The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
