my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
this beer tastes like vomit already
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
