its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
