I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
