Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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