he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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