I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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