I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
