Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
