I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
