Nicole vs. Life
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
