no, he came in my armpit
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
