I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
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