Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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