Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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